You are here: Home / Archives for Parent ministry

Making Small Group a Priority

April 24, 2013 by Leave a Comment

This post started out as a raging address to students (and parents) who don’t make coming to small group a priority in their lives. There are things like sports that get in the way and tend to win out over small group, and it’s frustrating

Then something happened.

I was humbled and amazed this week when one of my boys went from telling me on Monday that he wouldn’t be at group this week because he had a baseball game on Tuesday night (our small group night). The topic we were discussing was tremendously relevant to stuff in his life, so this was a huge letdown. Unfortunately in Orange County culture (and I’m sure we’re not alone in this), sports in JH and HS have become life-filling. This particular student has practice almost every day of the week and at least one game a week. It didn’t surprise me that he would choose baseball over small group because of our culture, but it definitely bummed me out.

Because of that, I did something I haven’t done before in 5 years of leading small groups: I asked him to miss a game. I emailed his mom telling her about how relevant this week would be to her son, and I asked if there was any way that he would be able to miss one game this season. She said she would talk to her son and her husband about it because she knew just how relevant this week would be.

Long story short, he made a decision to skip the game and come to group. I was SO proud because I know this was no small feat: he’s the star of the team, he loves baseball and he doesn’t want to let his coach down. I was amazed to see that he had thought it through and put small group ahead of baseball this week, and it ended up being an amazing week for him to come to small group.

Filed Under: Parent ministry, Small Groups, Youth Ministry Tagged With: , , , , ,

Small Group Parent Meeting

February 20, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Ever since my friend Dennis mentioned doing this, I have been tossing it around in my head. He met with the parents of his small group guys to talk about what his small group was going to look like. Since I have 7th grade guys this year (which is their first year in my group), I thought it would be a great time to have a connect time with the parents. We had 4 goals for the meeting:

  • Keep it short. Parents don’t have a ton of free time, so we wanted to keep it under an hour.
  • Make it relevant. We wanted to talk about where we had been as a group in the past 4 months, where the guys are now and where we’re headed with the rest of the school year. We also wanted to give them a heads-up about some important topics coming up.
  • Don’t be a parent. Both my co-leader and myself are only 21 years old, and neither of us have kids of our own. The last thing we wanted to do was teach parents how to parent, because we have no experience at it. Let them parent their kids.
  • Don’t be a talking head. We wanted to encourage interaction and dialogue between us, the parents and each other. We didn’t want to fill the whole hour with just our words.
  • Be a resource. This was the big one. We wanted to let parents know that we are a resource and a partner with them as we lead their kids.

Overall, it went fantastic! We had a little more than half of our parents show up, some of which we hardly knew before the meeting night. There was great dialogue between parents, there was a lot of great information shared, but the biggest win for us was a comment one of the moms said. She told us that even though we see them every week at the curb as they pick up their student, they didn’t really know us very well. After having this meeting, they got a chance to talk to us and hear our hearts, which gave a greater sense of security for parents as they drop their kids off with us every week. Mission accomplished!

Filed Under: Parent ministry Tagged With: , , , ,

Godly Discipline

December 7, 2012 by 2 Comments

We’ve blogged before on the topic of discipline, and I can easily say it’s not my favorite thing to talk about. No one WANTS to discipline students in our youth ministries, but it is one of those necessary discomforts.

This week I had an opportunity to exercise discipline with one of my students. We had an event over the weekend that brought a lot of the guys together as a group. It went very well the entire time, until the very end when we found out this student had done something he knew he shouldn’t have done. The end of the event was spent cleaning up a mess that shouldn’t have been made in the first place.

We knew this was something we couldn’t let slip by, so we had to act quickly before the moment passed. My co-leader and I spoke to this student in the moment, but only briefly. When he left, we could tell he was visibly upset, and he would later show regret by texting me to apologize. The next day I sent an email to his parents to explain what had happened and to tell them we wanted to have a conversation with him before our small group on Tuesday.

When Tuesday came, we knew that he already felt bad and apologized for what happened, so we didn’t want to belabor the point. Instead, we really pushed the idea of respect and how he needs to make choices based on what God wants for him.

We cannot make disciples without discipline. It needs to be something we don’t shy away from, but that we don’t misuse. Taken with care, discipline can be something that grows our students closer to Christ.

Filed Under: Counseling, Parent ministry, Youth Ministry Tagged With: , , , , ,

Don’t ignore the sensitive topics

April 30, 2012 by 1 Comment

Steven: There are a few times in my group when my co-leader and I have realized we need to bring up something that’s a little more sensitive. It’s one of those discussions that you don’t really want to have at first, but you know it has to happen. When you realize you need to start the ball rolling on the discussion, you know some things have to look different for it to be successful. For us, some of those topics have been sex, pornography, issues with parents, and a few others. There are a few things we’ve done to be as successful as possible:

  • PRAY PRAY PRAY – The best thing you can do to prepare is seek out God’s direction. Know where God wants to lead your students and how he wants to speak through you.
  • Consider changing your location – In my small group, we meet at one of the guy’s houses every week. When we’ve planned these sensitive discussions, we try to go somewhere else that we won’t be overheard. This puts all the guys way more at ease and helps them be more open.
  • Have a game plan – Don’t go into something like this without having some kind of plan set out ahead of time. If you go in blind, it could end up making things more awkward and then you flounder around looking for ways to move forward.
  • Give students and parents an “out” – If we know there’s something coming up that’s out of the ordinary, we give parents (and our students) a couple weeks heads-up. This gives them an opportunity to opt-out if they’re not comfortable with what we’re discussing.

If you’re in student ministry, junior high or high school, a sensitive topic is going to come up at some point. Don’t freak out, don’t run away from it, and have some kind of plan.

Matt: I think a lot of conversations go unspoken and  lessons go untaught because student ministry leaders are not sure how to begin the discussion, they are afraid they might do more harm than good or they just don’t “want to go there.” As leaders we need to sometimes have the tough conversations and we need to be there for students. It might be an uncomfortable lesson, but we probably have students who want to have that discussion and they have not communicated that to you out of fear of what someone might think of them. We’re doing them a disservice if we avoid the tough topics. I start out with small talk and get students into their comfort zone (that might be a different place for each student, keep that in mind) and once I feel like they are communicating and ready to be open and honest I just go for it.

Steven has listed some great suggestions above. I would also recommend that you keep your composure whatever students tell you. It’s during these tough topics that small groups can get “real” and students will  speak from the heart. If they tell you something that might be shocking or something you’re not expecting your reaction to that will either keep the conversation going or shut it down. Just roll with it, don’t show alarm. Wait until the time is right to point out when students are doing wrong and do it in a loving, biblical way.

The biggest mistake we can make is NOT have a conversation or present a lesson because it’s a sensitive topic.

Filed Under: Counseling, Parent ministry, Small Groups, Youth Ministry Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Keeping confidentiality — Part 1

April 2, 2012 by 1 Comment

Normally on Mondays we do a team post–1 topic, 2 viewpoints. This topic needed a little extra attention, so rather than squeeze it all into one post, we’ve decided to split it up. My part is below, Matt’s is tomorrow. See you back here tomorrow!

A huge thing that contributes to the success of a small group or youth group is confidentiality. When a group of students knows that the things they bring up in the group aren’t going to be spread around or leaked out, they will continue to feel more comfortable and eventually open up even more.

There are a lot of things you can do within the group to build this confidentiality, but one factor is balancing how much information you give to parents in your ministry. We walk a fine line between letting parents in on their kids’ lives and ensuring that we don’t reveal so much info that the student loses their trust.

One of the things I do in my group is tell the parents upfront that I won’t really tell them anything that their student says to me unless it will harm themselves or others. This is a mandated reporter thing we deal with as leaders in the church, but it also conveys to that parent and their student that you want to be private, yet caring.

A few months ago, a mom in my ministry called with some concerns about her son. She was worried that he was getting into some dark stuff and wanted to know what I thought about it. More specifically, she wanted to know specifically if he had ever told me about it. While part of me wanted to tell her I couldn’t say anything, I knew that she needed some reassurance about her son. Instead of getting into specifics, I told her what kind of personality I saw in her son and that I didn’t think he would be involved in anything she mentioned.

Walking the line with parents between confidentiality and openness may seem tricky, but we need to always be on the lookout for ways to ensure we’re growing that student closer to God.

Filed Under: Parent ministry, Small Groups, Youth Ministry Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Partnering with difficult parents

March 19, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Steven: The past 2 years more than ever, I’ve been wrestling with the frustration of trying to partner with parents who simply don’t have the same goals for their children as I do. Even reading back over that last sentence seems like I’m sounding pretentious and trying to say that I know more about parenting than my students’ own parents, but that’s not the idea I’m trying to get across.

Rather, it seems that I have one idea for how to challenge and grow my students, and some of the parents this year don’t seem to be as encouraging about it, some to the point that they discourage the kind of growth I’ve envisioned for their kids.

The challenge comes from this plain fact: Out of the 168 hours in a week, I usually only see my students for 2. That means they’re under the care and influence of their parents for the other 166. If there’s a parent that doesn’t share the same morals or values that I desire their kids to have, there’s absolutely no way I can win that battle.

Even if I have the best intentions of growing a student toward Christ, a parent can easily knock that down in a matter of minutes because they have way more influence on their kids.

To be honest, I don’t know what the solution to this problem is, other than simply focusing on ministering to students regardless of what the parental background is. I’m starting to accept that I’m not always going to get the kind of backup I seek from parents, but there’s one thing I know for sure: I don’t ever want to give up trying to get my students to hear my voice guiding them toward God.

Matt: This topic reminds me of children who come from divorced families and one parent has full-time custody and the other has every other weekend. When the kid is at the parent’s house with full-time custody there are rules to be followed and routines to be held up, but when you go to the other parent’s house, unless there is a lot of cooperation between the two parents, then all bets are off on following established rules and it becomes very confusing for the kids.

One thing we need to remember is that parents are the  authority in the student’s life. If we see that students are doing things that are un-biblical or just down right not acting in a Christian way we have a duty to say something but if the parents are not willing to enforce what we are trying to do then it seems like we are just spinning our wheels. It’s frustrating, but we also need to remember that we need to teach students to honor their mother and father. That is very biblical. We can advise, we can lead, we can be the example but we need to have parents also doing the same or it makes our job more difficult.

I have a student in my small group that wants to get baptized. The problem is his parents are not for it, they don’t see the point in it. I want to lead him to getting baptized but at the same time I need to teach him to honor his parents as well. I’m not giving up and it’s something that I keep praying about and asking God to give me direction in this area. That is one of the first things we need to do. Pray.

Second thing we need to do is talk with parents and let them know that we have two maybe three hours a week with a student. We can’t fix everything and we can’t teach everything in that small amount of time. We need their help. If you have parents who are church attenders and believers this will be easier than if they are not.

This is a topic that I don’t think there is any one answer for. Steven and I have suggestions and ideas but we would love to hear your input on this how you handed similar situations. Let us know here.

Filed Under: Parent ministry, Youth Ministry Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Crisis situations

February 2, 2012 by Leave a Comment

“I have something to tell you, but I need you to promise you won’t tell anyone.”

This is almost word-for-word from a text I got a couple months ago from one of my students in crisis. When I got it, my heart sank because I knew what followed wasn’t going to be a happy, let-me-tell-you-how-great-my-life-is text. With that knowledge, I answered back:

“You know I want to do anything I can to help you, but there are some things I cannot keep between us. If it’s something more serious, I may need to tell someone.”

 

Even though he was reluctant, that student ended up telling me something you never want to hear from a student–He was in a serious crisis deeper than he could deal with on his own. At that moment, I knew I needed to jump into action. Here are the steps I took to make sure my student in crisis was taken care of:

  • I needed to call this kid and hear his voice, calm him down, but I was somewhere that I couldn’t do that. Luckily my co-leader was available and he was able to talk to the student and get the whole story and talk him off the ledge.
  • I needed to connect with my co-leader to get details about what happened. I wanted to know exactly how the phone call went, what my student’s thoughts were, and how the conversation ended.
  • Because this was an issue that could cause potential harm to that student, I needed to work my way up the food chain. I sent an email to his parents the next night (after I had all the details) and let them know what was going on. They got the email and I called them to calm them down and give advice about some next steps to take to make sure the student would stay safe.
  • Right after I got off the phone with the parent, I made sure the people above me–the junior high ministry staff–were updated.
  • Moving forward, we sat down with the student and his parents and set out a plan to get him to a better place both spiritually and mentally so this wouldn’t happen again.

If you run across a situation where a student is in crisis, don’t panic. Make sure you don’t waste time tending to the problem, and when in doubt, contact the people above you for guidance. You could be the last line of defense in a student’s life.

Filed Under: Counseling, Parent ministry, Youth Ministry Tagged With: , , , , ,

Why I won’t be moving on to high school with my small group

January 3, 2012 by 1 Comment

For the second time in my 4 years of youth ministry, I’ve had to explain to the parents of my junior high small group why I won’t be moving on with them into high school. It’s always a very difficult decision–I’d love to move on and spend the next 4 years with my guys, but I have some reasons why I don’t. Here’s the email I sent to my C-Group parents last night:

A few of you have asked about whether Kyle and I will be leading the boys as they go into high school. As much as we love the guys we’ve had over the last 2 years, we will not be their leaders in high school. There are a few reasons for this:

The main reason is that we feel that God has called us to junior high ministry. He has given us both a special skill set for working with students of that age, and not everyone can do it. It would be a sin for us to ignore that calling, especially because junior high ministry is always hurting for volunteers. It’s not that we wouldn’t WANT to lead high school–because we would–it’s that we don’t want to miss God’s calling for us.

For me, another reason I stay in junior high is that I think it is more important than high school in some ways. A ton of research has been done on the adolescent brain, and it shows that the brain is most formative between ages 11 and 13. This means that the habits formed during the junior high years are the ones that will stick with them through life. I don’t want to miss the opportunity to help students form habits that are God-honoring.

There are other reasons for not moving on, but those are the things that are most important. It’s going to kill me to let these 9 guys go after June, but I know that God has a plan much bigger for them than I can imagine. I have to trust that he will carry that out, even if it means I won’t be the one leading them down the path.

Filed Under: Parent ministry, Small Groups, Youth Ministry Tagged With: , , ,

What to write in a parent letter

October 17, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Matt: This year I made sure that I got e-mail addresses for all of my parents, I want to send them a weekly update of what we are talking about in my high school small group, what activities and serve projects we have planned. I wanted to have an open conduit for parents to be able to contact me about what they may see as a problem in their son’s life that I’m not aware of. At the same time, I want to insure  my guys that what we talk about remains confidential. In my parent letter I nicely explained that short of their son telling me something that would cause me to believe that he is a danger to himself or others, what ever we talk bout would remain with me. Students won’t open up completely if they don’t trust you. So, in a nutshell, here’s what I’m going to put in my parent letter e-mail each week:

1. The topic we are covering and the scripture behind the topic.

2. I want to do a lot of growing and bonding with this group outside of the normal Tuesday night small group time, so I want to give parents plenty of notice, especially since some of the events might involve a small cost.

3.  Prayer requests.I want to ask for parents to pray for the group, not for specific topics that might jeopardize the confidentiality of a student, but for what we are studying, and for general problems. The more prayer the better, every little bit helps.

4. I want to get this group involved in a serve project that will be more than just helping out at the food pantry once or twice during our time. I want to teach them that to show your love for Jesus is to show your love for others. Students grow in their faith when they are serving in a ministry.

5. I want to reach out to parents and offer any assistance to them that I can. We should be ministering to the students entire family.

Steven: Matt covered a lot of good stuff above, so I’ll try to keep my bit a little shorter and only offer things that are different. I send out a parent email every week, and parents LOVE it. They love knowing what’s going on in the group, which topic we’re discussing and how they can be helping us out.

In my parent emails I usually have three “staple” sections – the ones that are in the email every week, and some extras.The staples are:

  • This week… – this explains what we’ll be talking about this coming week and what parents can expect their kids to learn
  • Next week… – I like to let parents know ahead of time (about a week advance)
  • Prayer requests… – I have a mixed bag of parents this year – some that are total prayer warriors, and the other than have interest in Christianity but want to know what’s going on. Prayer requests give parents peace of mind, and it also involves them in the group.

I also want to try something a little different in my parent emails this year. I want to include something that is specifically ministering to the parents in some way. Whether that’s giving them practical advice for relating and dealing with their kids or something more for personal spiritual development, I think it will be very positive to specifically help them out.

With that being said, I do think it’s important to be available to parents.For me and my group, email is a great way to stay in tough and exchange information quickly.

Filed Under: Parent ministry, Small Groups, Youth Ministry

How do you minister to parents in your ministry?

August 8, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Steven: Parent ministry is one of the most important things in youth ministry. A lot of times we get caught up in ministering to our students that we forget about the fact that we’re just a small piece in the giant puzzle that is the life of a student. We’re only with them for a few hours a week. For most students, their parents have a much longer time with them on a week-to-week basis. That means parents are the number one influence in a student’s life. We try so hard to be the number one influence, but in reality it probably won’t happen that way.

Because of that, it’s important to adjust your focus at times and concentrate on parents. I’m not saying to neglect your students in the process, just don’t forget about the other part of the equation. For a lot of youth workers, it’s probably hard to connect with parents. For others, particularly ones that have kids themselves, it’s easy to connect. Either way, there are some intentional things you can do to connect your small group to the parents involved. Here are just a few:

  • Weekly email. Every week I send out an email with the following topics: last week, this week, upcoming events, and prayer requests (how the parents can be praying for the group). This keeps the parents connected to what you’re actually doing in group. Instead of getting all their information from the kids (who usually answer a “What did you do this week?” with a “Nothing.”), parents already have the inside scoop.
  • Texts. I don’t text all the parents of the guys in my small group, but there are a few that I keep in constant contact with. Most of the time we’re just sending blips about their student back and forth, but it’s intentional connection.
  • Parent meetings. I haven’t done this one yet, but I plan to before the next school year starts. I would love to have some face time with all the parents in my group and give them a chance to be involved past the computer screen. Dennis Beckner did a great series of parent posts at VolunteerYouthMinistry.com, and in one of those he posted a parent meeting agenda. Check it out if you’re interested in doing something similar.

Matt: Out of the 168 hours in a week, as a small group leader I have maybe three hours a week with a student. If you don’t have a partnership with parents you’re not being as effective as you could be. It’s easier to connect with parents that are also believers but if you have students whose parents are not church attenders, you still need to connect with them. Chances are they want their kids brought up as Christians, they just don’t know how sometimes. You should also use this time to minister to your non-church attending parents. After all, your ministry doesn’t stop with just the student.

Steven has detailed ways of connecting and keeping in contact with parents, I don’t need to repeat them. Find a way that works for you. E-mail might be better for some, a direct face-to-face contact might be more comfortable for others leaders. Whatever way works for you, just make sure you are connecting each week.

Now let me take a second here to talk about confidentiality. At my first meeting with parents I let them know that unless their son reveals to me that he wants to hurt himself or someone else, what ever he and I talk about stays with me. I can’t be an effective small group leader if students don’t trust me. This can be delicate at times, but its easier if you get this out to parents from the beginning.

Connecting with parents should be one of the top priorities in student ministry.

Question: How do you keep connected to parents?

Filed Under: Parent ministry Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
«Older Posts