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The First Year is About Building Relationships

April 30, 2013 by Leave a Comment

“@broadandy: @Coachshef it takes a year to build solid relationships with a student. Think with the end in mind.”

This is a tweet I saw last week, and I could not agree more with what he said. The first year with a group of students is all about building relationships.

In junior high ministry, I only get 2 years with a group of students. They’re only a part of my ministry for 2 years, and those years fly by as it is. What I’ve learned is that if you can spend the entire first year building great relationships with students, it will set you up for HUGE success in the next year. Since I want my ministry to be as fruitful as possible, of course I’m going to invest in my students relationally during the first year.

Here’s how I’m doing it with my small group:

  • Making prayer requests a priority. Rather than getting through a small group lesson and squeezing prayer requests into the last 5 minutes, I’m doing prayer requests first. It’s more important for me to hear about your life than the discussion we might have tonight.
  • Taking students out to dinner. My co-leader and I take a guy out to dinner every week before our small group. This is to get to know them and for them to get to know us. It also gives them a chance to talk about anything they don’t feel comfortable discussing in a group.
  • Creating a communication culture. We call our small groups “Life Groups,” because we do life together. A huge part of that is communicating outside of group, primarily through texting. I’m trying to train my guys to make communication a priority.

Those are 3 simple things, but we have to be willing to sacrifice that “great lesson about the doctrine of sanctification” for relationship building, at least during the first year.

Filed Under: Small Groups, Youth Ministry Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Vertical vs. Horizontal Relationships

December 31, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Steven: Many times in my ministry, I find myself being very narrow-focused. There are times when I spend a lot of time on one topic or a particular range of topics, and others are neglected in the process. One of these challenges is teaching on a vertical relationship versus the horizontal relationships we have.

In the church world, we tend to do a great job talking about our relationship with God (vertical), but we sometimes lose track of how important relationships are with our brothers and sisters in Christ (horizontal). In a small group setting, this is especially important. I want my group to want to support each other and have strong relationships. I’ve told them multiple times, “These 10 guys are now your brothers.” That’s the kind of bond I want them to share.

I often forget that we can’t really have vertical relationships without the horizontal as well. 1 John 4:21 says, “And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.” With one comes the other. How are you teaching students to love the people around them?

Matt: When student small groups are done right, there is a huge feeling of community that builds up. I saw this happen last year with my small group. Even though they are now in college they are still leaning on each other and reaching out to each other when they need help or advice. One of the ways we show love to God is to love and serve each other. Accountability partners are a great way to show love and assist each other through tough times.

We also need to know what our spiritual gifts are and use them to help each other. As a small group leader, it’s our job to help students recognize those gifts and develop them so students are better equipped to be role models and leaders one day.

We can’t totally love God without also loving each other. Small groups are the place where true community is developed and where we can reach out to others to love and to be loved.

Filed Under: Youth Ministry Tagged With: , , , , , ,

NOW WHAT? The options you face after a trust has broken

September 29, 2012 by Leave a Comment

This week GenToGenYM has had an unplanned theme of “trust.” We’ve written a few posts on the topic, and it seems to be something that is so important going into a new school year. Following this theme, I ran across Matt McGill‘s blog post below. It’s about the options you have after a trust is broken on either end of a relationship. Check out a couple of options below, then head over to LoveGodLoveStudents.com for the rest.

Trust is a foundation for every significant relationship. When the trust falls a part, here are some options:

repair it and confront the issue head on. Once a trust has been broken, start a conversation. Lay out the issues, forgive and ask for forgiveness. Trust typically takes time to build, so it’s usually worth REbuilding.

repress it and pretend the breach never happened. This option isn’t as bad as it sounds. When a trust is first broken, perhaps it’s best to forgive without raising the issue. Perhaps change can happen without a confrontation. If the other person doesn’t fix things, this can quickly become a horrible approach.

Filed Under: Repost, Youth Ministry Tagged With: , , , ,

Building Trust

September 27, 2012 by Leave a Comment

One of the most important things in a relationship to me is trust. Without it, you don’t know if the other person is being honest, you don’t know if their emotions are real… really, you don’t know a lot about the other person if you can’t trust them. With trust, strong relationships are formed. It’s possible to get real and authentic. It’s possible to truly connect.

I have spent a lot of time trying to build a reputation of being trustworthy. One of the biggest things I tell my students over and over again is that they can feel safe in talking to me about anything and it doesn’t leave the 2 of us. (There are certain cases when things have to be reported, but that’s another story). I want it known that I will be a vault of information, that way a student knows they have the freedom to be fully open. I think this is a biblical principle too:

Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.

Proverbs 11:13

Recently this issue of trust came up with a student. There was a mutual feeling that we couldn’t trust each other–me because I knew this student hadn’t been truthful about some things, and him because he felt like I might tell other people some stuff he needed to share. Once I explained to him how much I value trust (over about 45 minutes), he seemed to get it, and things just came spilling out.

We need to be people who are “trustworthy in spirit.” We need to live out our lives in a way that display this trustworthiness to the glory of God and the benefit of our students.

Filed Under: Counseling, Youth Ministry Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Small group over summer

June 13, 2012 by Leave a Comment

This summer, both Matt’s and my small group will continue to meet past the school year. Usually in our ministry, small group runs according to the school calendar (September-June). This is set up to give our small group volunteers a break over summer, either to help out with some summer events or to refresh before the new school year starts.

Because both our small groups are in transition–Matt’s graduating high school and mine moving to high school–they’ve asked us to keep meeting with them into summer. I love that my boys are wanting to spend more time together and more time learning with each other. Here are some things I’m trying to keep in mind as we meet over the summer:

  • Keep it lighter – Rather than getting into some heavier topics like during the school year, we’re trying to keep things a bit lighter. There won’t be any sob-fests (we hope), but we’ll still do some Bible studies and topical stuff.
  • Mix it up – We’re trying to not get stuck in our normal groove of the school year. For example, we’ve asked students to lead our group for the next 2 weeks. It will be great for the guys to hear from someone other than their normal leaders!
  • Build relationships – Since students have more time available, we’re doing our best to meet outside of small group (one-on-one, smaller groups) to keep building relationships.

Summer can be an amazing time to keep your small group going to keep building relationships. How many of you keep your small group going over summer? Let me know here!

Filed Under: Small Groups, Youth Ministry Tagged With: , , , ,

Summer Student Ministry: Grow Those Relationships

May 26, 2012 by Leave a Comment

We’ve written about keeping in contact with students over the summer because we feel that’s a time when some students fall off the radar and we lose them from our ministry. Let’s face it, just because the school year ends does not mean that problems and issues for students end. It’s also a great opportunity for some one-on-one time with students. Check out this awesome post from Andy Blanks at YouthMinistry360.com on how to take advantage of summer. We have a tease below, head on over here for the rest.

Summer. It’s a different animal for so many youth workers, isn’t it?

There are a lot of you reading this that are looking forward to Summer because it’s a break! You’ll pretty much shut down the programmed aspect of your youth ministry. Save for a Summer Camp here or a Mission Trip there, you’re looking at a few months of no youth group. (Which evokes mixed emotions, for sure.) Others of you will more or less keep programming the same during the Summer months. (But the dynamics are different. With students and leaders traveling more often, and with a more laid back schedule, you’ll watch attendance be spotty at best.) Still, there’s a third group that will land somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. You’ll have some sort of programmed activities, and you’ll definitely hit the Camp and Missions scene.

Whatever Summer looks like for you, there’s one aspect that we all have in common: Summer is the perfect time to grow relationships with individual students.

To some this will seem like an obvious statement. But to others, the first response might be to disagree. If your tendency is to see Summer as a time to “check out,” let me challenge you to see Summer as fertile ground for strengthening your relationships with students. For those of you who would say that building relationships in the Summer is actually more challenging, I would agree in one regard: it takes a different kind of effort on your part. You’ll have to be more intentional about seeking out students. But I believe it’s worth it . . .

Filed Under: Repost, Spriritual Life, Youth Ministry Tagged With: , , , , ,

Starting a mentoring relationship

May 22, 2012 by 1 Comment

This year, there is one student in my 8th grade group that I’ve had a strong connection with. Part of the draw is that I see a lot of 8th grade Steven in this guy, so I know his personality and what his strengths and struggles are. He has tremendous potential to grow into an amazing young man after God’s own heart. Over this past year, we’ve had a faux-mentoring relationship, but it has never been something we’ve talked about straight out.

Since he’s going to be transitioning out of my small group in a few weeks, I wanted to let him know that I was available to him if he chose to keep this relationship going. Here’s the most important thing I told him:

I think what we’ve started is great and it seems like it has helped you, but YOU need to want to make it happen way more than I do.

This is super important when starting a mentoring relationship:

  • First, let the person know that you’re available to them. If I hadn’t told this guy that I was available to him as a resource, he may have never known that I was open to mentoring him.
  • Let them be the one to start the process. I told him earlier this week to be thinking about what he wanted our relationship to be. We talked later and decided this would be the best way to move forward.

Being a mentor can (and will) be as beneficial for you as it is for the mentee. Who is someone you can make yourself available to in order to start a mentoring relationship?

Filed Under: Counseling, Youth Ministry Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Good Example or a Great Example

April 19, 2012 by 1 Comment

Tonight I had a phone call from the mom of one of my high school small group students. During the conversation she thanked me for being a good example for her son. After the call was over I began to think if I’m a good example, what could I change to be a great example.

When we decided to get into student ministry either as paid staff or as a volunteer I think that all of us agreed that we need to live our lives to a higher standard because we are an example to students of what a Christ follower is. None of us can be perfect all the time but there are things we can do to ensure that we are putting our best foot forward when it comes to being a good example.

I asked myself the following questions, ask yourself and evaluate your answers.

  • Language  Am I careful how I talk, not just when students are around but all of the time?  - Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. – Ephesians 4:29 NLT
  • Relationships  How you treat others is a big example to students of a Godly man or woman. If you’re in a relationship, is it Godly and pure? You can’t teach students about purity and saving sex for marriage if you’re not living it yourself. They will see right through you.
  • Gossip  Don’t get caught in the gossip circle. Gossip is a sin that destroys ministries. If you’re not part of the problem or part of the solution then don’t gossip about it.
  • Worship  Make sure that you are attending worship service on a regular basis and that you are getting spiritually fed. You can’t expect students to be church attenders if you’re not. Don’t spend so much time serving Jesus that you don’t have time for Jesus.
  • Quiet Time  It’s hard to get students to participate in a daily quiet time with God if you’re not doing it yourself. It’s also the way you stay connected to God. Pray for your students every day. Pray for your church and for your ministry. - Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. – Philippians 4:6 NLT 

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to just be a good leader, I want to be a great leader. Every now and then we need to stop and evaluate our lives, I did tonight and I know I have to make a few changes.

Filed Under: Spriritual Life, Youth Ministry Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Small Group Overnighter

November 22, 2011 by 1 Comment

Last weekend our High School Ministry at Saddleback Church hosted a “Small Group Overnighter”. The event was held at a hotel near Disneyland. After a short program with all the groups in attendance, and a prayer to send us off into the night, the groups were free to just hang out, go eat and spend some quality time together. It was a great opportunity and a chance to bond your student small group closer to each other. 

One of the things my guys had asked was if we could do a really deep Bible study session that night. Okay, I thought. If you want a really deep Bible study session, you’ll get one. I have a huge advantage in that Steven has been adopted by my group and was going with us that night and since he is a Biblical and Theological Studies major at Biola University, I took full advantage of that and asked him to help me put together a lesson for the night. We chose the topic, “What it means to be a disciple”.

Steven’s lesson was off the charts and the participation that night was amazing, the guys in my group are at a very deep spiritual level, and the participation level that night was incredible. And as pleased as I was that night, and made sure to take time to thank God that night for this small group, the big payoff for me came the next day when I got the following text from one of the guys:

            “Hey, so I’m pretty sure I came out of that retreat last night a different person.”

It was a reminder to me of a few things:

  • This is God’s group, and he is working and growing this group in ways I still can’t comprehend.
  • If you open yourself up, God will use you as a leader.
  • There are students in your group that you can reach, but you might need to find other ways to get to them. Once you do, it’s a life changing event.
  • Teaching about God’s love, grace, forgiveness and salvation is the most important thing we can pass on to the next generation.
  • Find the leaders in your student small group and work on developing them.
  • Pray. Pray. Pray. Pray for your group by name, for each thing you know is going on in their life. This student who sent me that text has asked me before to pray for God to help him “come out of his shell”. It happened at this overnighter and God has helped change him. I can’t wait to see where this student goes from here.

 

 

Filed Under: Small Groups, Spriritual Life Tagged With: , , , , ,

Small Group Lesson – Five Minutes To Live

November 17, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Here’s a powerful exercise you can do with your student small group.  I did this with my high school small group last night and judging from the text messages I got from almost all of them today, last night’s exercise really sent a message to them. Here’s how it goes:

Give your students a pen and a piece of blank paper. You need to be in a room that has a light switch that is close to you, and if the lights were turned off the room would be completely dark. (This will make sense to you later)

Tell them they have five minutes to live, so here is there chance to tell the important people in their life how they feel about them. Tell them to use to pen and paper to write a letter to parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, friends, whoever is really important in their life, and tell them how important they are to them and that they love them.  Use either a stop watch or a stop watch app on your smart phone. Let them know when the five minutes begins.

After one minute, in a loud voice let them know one minute has gone by and they now have four minutes to live. You will notice they start writing a little faster. Wait about another 30 seconds and then turn off the lights in the room, making the room completely dark. When you do that you’re going to hear your students say things like, “Hey, I wasn’t finished!”. That’s when you say, in a loud voice, “That’s because you don’t get a five minute notice, you usually don’t get any warning!  At anytime you can be gone, or someone you love can be gone! If you haven’t taken the time before to let the important people in your life know you care about them, they might never know so what are you waiting for??”

In my group, and I’m sure in yours at this point you can hear a pin drop, and I had a few guys in tears. It’s a powerful lesson in life but it works. It opens the door to a lot of discussion afterwards.

I’d love to hear comments back how this works in your group.

 

Filed Under: Small Groups, Youth Ministry Tagged With: , , , , ,
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